Dragon Wings

I get a headache just thinking about it.

I get nauseous when I do it. I’m terrified when I don’t.

I exhibit a behavior that has cast a shadow over my life for almost a decade. Nobody knows exactly why I do it. Everyone I know wants me to stop, but I don’t want to. So I won’t stop any time soon.

I usually do this in my bathroom at home. That’s where my equipment is. It’s nice in there because going to the bathroom seems innocent enough, and usually, it is. Nobody even thinks about disturbing me. Although sometimes it’s tough to clean up after, and I leave suspicious traces behind. It’s not like it’s a secret. I simply feel the need to be as secretive as possible. 

Even though my equipment makes this easier, I don’t need it. So I can do this in a public place, but I rarely do. It’s hard to hide the evidence in a public place. There are so many ways that this behavior looks suspicious. Not to mention that it’s really noticeable when I do this. So, if I end up doing this in public, it’s usually when nobody else is in the room, or when I’m in a crowd and nobody’s paying attention to me.

This behavior is self-destructive. It changes the way I look immediately after I do it. Parts of my body look like a battlefield. Sometimes I hurt myself on purpose while doing this. I have scabs, scars, bumps, bruises, pockmarks, blackheads, blood-spots, and acne on my skin where I do this.

Over the years, this behavior has changed even my face. You can tell that something’s not right with me just by looking me in the eyes. I have good days, where I decide I want to look like a normal person, but things end up looking like a botched science experiment. I have bad days, where I just want the sensation, and I feel great, but I look stranger than ever.

Experts say that this behavior may be caused by pent-up anxiety, accumulated from traumatic events in my life. Like my dad dying when I was 8. Like the best friend I’ve ever had tearing herself away from me when I was 14. These events haunt me to this day, it’s true, especially my dad’s death. It’s been 10 years since he’s passed and I still don’t know where to begin. I either feel nothing, or I am thrown into a hurricane of emotions so fierce that I can’t control what happens to me.

Then again, it could be something simpler. The benefits far outweigh the costs. I just don’t have a reason to stop.

Why do I do it? What’s my motivation? I love how it feels. It’s that simple. The anticipatory high is incredible. The sensation during - the release - is so pleasurable that it makes me salivate. The calm smoothness that comes after is long-lasting and reassuring.

Sometimes, I really want to stop. I really, really want to look normal and be normal. I know this behavior hurts. But it hurts more when I don’t do it.

In short, I am addicted.

Can you guess what my secret behavior is? I’m not a substance abuser. I’m not a nymphomaniac. I don’t cut myself or force myself to vomit. 

All I’m doing is pulling my hair out.

What I’m doing makes me a trichotillomaniac.

Well, my mum asked me to write down a list of goals for the next year of my life. I thought I had a plan, but now that I’ve been asked to give it concrete form, I really don’t feel strongly about doing anything within my reach.

I mean, I always knew I was gonna go to college, get a degree, and get a job that I’ll love. Only now, I’m not really feeling it. I’m not sure if I want it or not. I don’t even know what major I want to take up! Is cryptopaleontology a valid major?

Here’s a list of stuff that I have so far:

• Get accepted into a good college
• Have a cumulative GPA of 3.5 or better
• Find a pharmacy and counselor near my new school
• Declare a major
• Keep in touch with my little brother
• Finish an original writing piece
• Have more than 10 decent shirts in my closet
• Learn to take a public bus

Well, I’ve been alive for 19 years. I feel like I should make a list of accomplishments.

• Been born
• Lived in Utica, NY
• Went to pre-school
• Moved to New Hartford, NY
• Attended New Hartford Central School district
• Lost my dad to cancer
• Learned to play the piano
• Participated in MASQUE, spring 2001
• Sang in the Oneida County choir for 4 years in a row
• Started writing a book
• Visited Reedfield, Maine
• Visited Raquette Lake, New York
• Visited Torronto, Canada
• Saw Tenochtitlan and Tulum, Mexico
• Participated in the Area-All-State music festival in 2009
• Participated in 4 more seasons of MASQUE
• Got my driver’s license
• Graduated high school with high honors
• Earned a black belt in American Eagle style
• Changed my major
• Gained “Senior” status at MVCC
• Got in 2 fender-benders

Well, that’s what I’ve been doing for 19 years. Have fun with it.

Everything is just blowing up in my face lately. I can’t for the LOVE of me get to class, I keep making up excuses not to do stuff, I’m behind on my schoolwork, I’m out of medication, I got locked out of my car without a cell phone, I can’t buy the math textbook I need, and I just got fucking told off for being rude to a lady that I don’t remember talking to in the first place.

Can I get the pause button and get off life for a sec? I need time to chill the fuck out. 

Oh, wait. There is no pause button. FML.

I think I’ve discovered something cool about the power of music. I’ve noticed that the music that isn’t necessarily my favorite, but that has the ideal rhythms, lyrics, beats, and tunes is the stuff that my mom listened to when she was pregnant with me, or stuff I listened to when I was really little. Like Bruce Springsteen and Phantom of the Opera. 

I do have my own musical taste, and it’s different from my mom’s. But when I hear music from when I was little, I can’t help but identify with it. I know all the chords, all the instruments, all the verses. I guess that just goes to show how profoundly music can impact your life. 

(Source: mscupcakekitten)